Thursday, April 8, 2010

What's really going on with me

To put it simply everything and nothing at all. I know that seems to be quite ironic but hey the truth is the truth. I personally think life is colorful enough for a myriad of ironies to exist.

Anywho, Steve and I are working very hard to adjust to parenting. We are showering baby TJ with love as often as possible and tending our wounds as he showers us with the bumps and bruises any new baby would dish out to rookie parents. LOL For me this is done by devoting my days and nights to TJ. I have yet to return to work, the first attempt fell to the fears of both Steve and I, or at least work outside of the home. I spend my days reading the sweetest books and singing songs I haven't heard in over 25 years or so. We do the tummy time deal, the rolling game and the footsy game. We are learning to hold our bottle and eat off a spoon. We are coordinating hand activity with eye sight with 95% accuracy these days. Then there is the laundry, meals, my workouts, cleaning and doggycare.

When I look at that I realize I do a lot throughout the day but often times I can look back on my day and feel as if I have nothing to show for it. Don't get me wrong, seeing my beautifully healthy, happy baby at the end of the day is wonderful but I often feel a sense of guilt. I am often pretty exhausted throughout the day but I can't really justify it. So when people ask me what's going on, I say everything but nothing at all.

I know what I am feeling right now is probably part of the adjustment to going from a work environment to staying at home. I have always been somewhat a taskmaster. I get things done, that's what I do. For whatever reason, I thought I would continue that tradition once I had even more time at home. Boy was I wrong. I think I am less productive in the house, I have less time to keep myself up and more tired than ever. I am not sure if I am really in a place where I want to complain about it or make an adjustment so that I may except my new reality.

Though it has not been my habit of excepting anything beneath my expectations. I am considering a change of heart. Until I learn otherwise some things just have to fall off the list of priorities. I'm still not sure what I will part with but I now understand that I must choose. I know I will not allow anything to get in the way of loving that baby of mine completely. I can't let the hubby suffer and I can't afford to let myself go either. So what's a girl to do?

I'm sure in time I will figure it out.

Through all of the busyness or the lack there of. We found some time to have family pictures taken for Steve's race.

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